Madness

Not literal madness, but Madness, you know, that guy on the radio. Smile. That guy. Interestingly enough, He seems surreal, like a lovely and haunting dream of a person - dream of a dream of the dream guy. He's not real, is he? Not actually, not really, never had the chance, never got the opportunity - WHY GOD, DID I NEVER GET THAT OPPORTUNITY? WHY GOD WAS HE SO ... amazing? He really was. He really is. He really is ... not actually mine, and probably never will be. I gave that up. I surrendered that. For, I don't even know what, or who. And you know what? Sometime it's just nice to rant. Sometimes, it's just nice to talk about the fleshly, humanly "injustice" of it all; all this "surrendering" business. Yet, I cannot deny Your Goodness, and Faithfulness, and Favor, and Plan. God, what will I do when he finds someone else? When he finds another girl? Will I feel hatred? Pain? Loss? Hurt? Jealousy? Doubt...ya, doubt, I'm going to forever question what they have, because in my mind, it will never be as close as what we had/have. Part of me wonders if it's all my fault you know, God? If I should have just left it all on the alter when I woke up that beautiful dawn in Chefchaouen, Morocco.


But Lord, I know you. In the depths of my Heart, in the depths of my Spirit, and Strength rises as I wait (hope, trust, believe, fall in love) upon You.