I'm not Going Anywhere

I can see you in a tight ball. Trapped from all corners and angles. You can't sleep, wake, or breathe without pain. You try to pry your way out, but any attempts at escape only draws blood. The thorns pierce straight through your soul and into your very heart. Darkness and hopelessness don't even begin to describe your cycle of life. A day survived is enough for sleep. Life alone is the reason to wake. God is less than an afterthought. Besides, since when have His weak hands been able to do anything anything. You've tried, many times, to trust, to believe, and God forbid, hope. To hope takes more effort, and inflicts more pain than escape itself. Maybe you'll get through today, and maybe today is the day it won't hurt. Those days are the best. 

You've stopped arguing and reasoning why your friends and loved ones care or love you. It's tiring that they are still around. Why can't they just leave you alone. You've reckoned with the fact that it's not fair. What's fair and what isn't fair is now an old affair. You've spent too many nights thinking about... things. Thinking doesn't get the job done anymore - it only feeds memories that are better off dead. 

So, far be it from me to ask you to hope, to change, or to fight. But far be it from me to leave. Because one thing you can be sure of is that I will scrap my way through the grim, thorns and fear just to hold your hand. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere. And hey, maybe one of these mornings you will wake up and see that the sun is rising and you'll be able to say, "We made it."

" Come on, Mr. Frodo, I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you!" - Samwise Gamgee

Madness

Not literal madness, but Madness, you know, that guy on the radio. Smile. That guy. Interestingly enough, He seems surreal, like a lovely and haunting dream of a person - dream of a dream of the dream guy. He's not real, is he? Not actually, not really, never had the chance, never got the opportunity - WHY GOD, DID I NEVER GET THAT OPPORTUNITY? WHY GOD WAS HE SO ... amazing? He really was. He really is. He really is ... not actually mine, and probably never will be. I gave that up. I surrendered that. For, I don't even know what, or who. And you know what? Sometime it's just nice to rant. Sometimes, it's just nice to talk about the fleshly, humanly "injustice" of it all; all this "surrendering" business. Yet, I cannot deny Your Goodness, and Faithfulness, and Favor, and Plan. God, what will I do when he finds someone else? When he finds another girl? Will I feel hatred? Pain? Loss? Hurt? Jealousy? Doubt...ya, doubt, I'm going to forever question what they have, because in my mind, it will never be as close as what we had/have. Part of me wonders if it's all my fault you know, God? If I should have just left it all on the alter when I woke up that beautiful dawn in Chefchaouen, Morocco.


But Lord, I know you. In the depths of my Heart, in the depths of my Spirit, and Strength rises as I wait (hope, trust, believe, fall in love) upon You.

Online

Twitter - I got one. And I cringe as I admit this, does that clear me of all judgmental accusations? Officially an internet addict? Unfortunately, I think yes. Honestly, the real truth, the actual reason why I got one? I want to be like those people who can write and people would read. So I figured if I got a twitter under a pseudo-name I could practice? Maybe random people would read my nonsensically sarcastic remarks (I am working on that) and I'll become wickedly and wildly famous! Only then, would I actually have the guts to allow myself a public twitter-face. I LIKE PEOPLE TO LIKE ME - there I said it.

OK, so one of my problems (one of my plethora of issues), I like to be told I'm beautiful, and uniquely talented. *TRUTH: I know that I am all those already, because I know who God's made me. Yet, I thrive on those very compliments. While I was straitening shelves at the library today, I was approached by this student holding a piece of scrap paper in one hand. My first job-seasoned assumption was, "Oh, he needs help finding a book." So I turn to give him my attention. But once I see that his piece of paper was nothing close to the call number for a book, but instead a note scribbling, "You're Gorgeous 919-744-9584 Alaa (Ace) Dahir" I giggle a little on the inside. Even though my head was thinking, "Oh my goodness, people actually still pull this trick," my heart smiled slightly. Someone noticed me, a guy actually approached me and had the guts to say something, someone thought I was beautiful - need i explain any further?

fiddle flutteries

I feel so unbalanced, and far away, not far up or way down, but far ... away. I don't have a landing, I don't seem to have a foothold, I just seem to float around.

It was interesting being in Singapore. I felt so purposed. But being back in China appears to blend my days into one jumbled, 'foggied', bubble-life. Its harder to feel like I have a purpose and plan here! I'm leaving in less than 2 months. I have such little time left. I miss feeling motivated and "called". Yet, as a believer, I should feel aspired everyday, I should start days with excitement! YES! I am supposed to live today! He has given me yet another chance to love, love Him, love His people! Isn't that purpose enough? Yes, it really should be! (Wait here while I get my Bible) Pslam 139- Beautifully writen, thirst-quenching Truth, Reviving to the Soul. I love you L-rd. Balance me again, set me straight! Even if it means that I don't "feel" You! You reveal yourself in SO many ways, show me a new way to experience you! You keep my life exciting, You make sure I LIVE, and really live to the fullest!

<3 you, My Lord, My Savior, My hero**

Watched

I watched you. I watched you cokebottle-fence Shorey, I watched you tip her hood over-even if she IS overly irritating-, I watched you limp, I watched you smile and laugh, I watched you get excited over football, I watched you watch Count of Monte Cristo, but best of all, I saw you watch me, even if it was only for a second.
But it dawned on me that you aren't mine, and probably never will be. She's a blessed woman, that girl that gets to make you smile :)
I know what you mean Amanda! A call from Him makes me excited, and I try to surpress the happiness. He's kinda too great to be mine, heh, so thats that. I'll leave it there. I'll leave it all at the alter, where it should remain anyways. I have a feeling that it won't last though!
24, sigh, calls :)
Later lovelies <3

so maybe your a little out of reach, but amazing all the same!

WORLDS APART

I am the only one to blame for this

Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide With a world I try so hard to leave behind To rid myself of all but love to give and die To turn away and not become Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves more deeply than the oceans, more abundant than the tears Of a world embracing every heartache Can I be the one to sacrifice Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow To love you - take my world apart To need you - I am on my knees To love you - take my world apart To need you - broken on my knees All said and done I stand alone Amongst remains of a life I should not own It takes all I am to believe In the mercy that covers me Did you really have to die for me? All I am for all you are Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart I look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has cost and wipe away the crimson stains "dull the nails that still remain" More and more I need you now, I owe you more each passing hour the battle between grace and pride I gave up not so long ago So steal my heart and take the pain and wash the feet and cleanse my pride take the selfish, take the weak, and all the things I cannot hide take the beauty, take my tears the sin-soaked heart and make it yours take my world all apart take it now, take it now and serve the ones that I despise speak the words I can't deny watch the world I used to love fall to dust and thrown away I look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has cost so wipe away the crimson stains "dull the nails that still remains" so steal my heart and take the pain take the selfish, take the weak and all the things I cannot hide take the beauty, take my tears take my world apart, take my world apart I pray, I pray, I pray take my world apart